Cleaning up the mess

So you know that I went to Asheville this past weekend with Amy (my sequoia!) and we had a great time! Obviously, we had a lot of really good heart to heart conversations. I'm always trying to draw things out of her, but she kind of turned the tables on me this weekend! She pointed out that I'm always trying to fix other people but that I should be focused on fixing me. Since this is something I've been trying to do, I really appreciated her pointing this out to me. It's not that I didn't know what she said, just that I wasn't able to see it. She really held a mirror up in my face. She told me that I really needed to see all the beauty in myself that others see. She pointed out all the nice things about me (physical and otherwise) and really helped me to see that I needed to stop being so critical. She pointed out some of the things on her own body that she didn't like and I couldn't understand how she didn't like her body b/c she's thin and beautiful. Amy pointed out that ALL people (especially women!) are critical of their own appearance. But she turned it around on me. She said just like I don't notice all her faults (I take the over all package as she is), others don't see all my faults like I do. They accept ALL of me and it's high time I do the same. Easier said than done, of course! But I started looking back over my life at all the things I've nit picked and even when I was a teenager and actually was thin, I still didn't like what I saw. So what makes me think that I'm going to like what I see this time around? If I'm not happy with ME, then it's not going to matter how thin I get...I still won't be happy.

One of the things that frustrates me the most about where I am in life is that I'm never happy...never thin enough, never have enough stuff, never have enough time, never enough this or that. It's very plane for me (and others) to see that I'm not happy with MYSELF and that's why I'm never satisfied. Nothing ever fills that void because I haven't found peace in my own heart with who I am. I'm always trying to do more to make myself feel better but never achieving that. "Maybe if I just lose X pounds. Maybe if I just buy X thing. Maybe if I just have X number of friends. Maybe if I'm involved more in X activity." I feel like my life is passing me by because I'm to busy with X! You know what I realized? When my kids are doing my eulogy one day, they're not going to stand up there and say "Geesh, I sure am glad mom got into those size 10's! She looked so much better!". But if I focus on health (not my reflection), what they will say is "My mom got out in the yard and played with me (hiked, biked, whatever)." because losing weight for health will allow me the energy to do those things. Taking up time with my kids is what's going to make the impact on them...not losing weight (or keeping the house clean, or buying them new stuff, etc). I'm so focused on the future...on the things that I want to do...that I don't live in the here and now. I'm tired of doing that. I'm tired of filling my life with all the things that don't matter and won't make me happy.

One of the things that Ron has pointed out is that while Wwight Watchers is a great program, you're constantly thinking about food. You're always having to weigh and measure and write down points so it's always on your mind. You can just live naturally. And for someone (like me!) who's addicted to food, always having food on the brain isn't such a good thing. Before I had Amy, it didn't bother me because my focus was on ME, not the weight. But since I've had her, my focus has been on getting back into my 14's and losing the pregnancy weight. Every time I write my points or weigh on the scales, it's a constant reminder of my failure (gaining 60 lbs while pregnant) and of the fact that I should be farther along than I am in my loss. I'm stressing out about it so much that it's making me resent the process. And we all know what stress does to the body...stops/slows weight loss! Kind of the opposite of what I'm looking to do! So I've decided to take the next few weeks off and not count points. I'm going to take the next few weeks to focus on ME...to get inside my head and work out all these issues that are coming to the surface. I'm going to pay attention to my body cues and choose good for you foods, but I'm not going to stress about keeping up with the points and weighing in. I started this yesterday and I did really well. At the end of the day, I thought through my day and realized that I actually came in under my points by 2 or 3! I was able to do what's right just for the sake of doing what's right and it felt really good! I'm going to take a look at things in 2 weeks and see how I'm doing. If I feel like I've gotten my focus back (and for the right reason), I'll go back to counting points. But if I don't feel like I'm there yet (or if I'm still losing anyway), I'll stay on this path a bit longer.

I'm not "falling off the wagon"...in fact, I'm not only still ON the wagon, I'm trying to take over and start DRIVING the wagon! For too long now I've felt out of control and I'm tired of that. This soul searching journey I've been on has really brought a lot of stuff out of hiding. It's very exhausting to go on this journey, but it's well worth it. It's kind of like when you have acne...you start a new cleaning program and it makes your skin worse at first because it draws all the impurities out of your skin. That's where I'm at. It may get ugly for me before I start to get healing, but I've got to face some of these demons first and I can't do that if my focus in elsewhere. I know this may delay my loss for a couple of weeks, but I feel like in the long run it will help me because I will be doing it for the right reason, which will help me keep the weight off.

I feel like I'm on the brink of exploding in personal growth and it's very exciting! Almost like reaching enlightenment! OK, so maybe I can't fix all the world's problems, but at least I feel like I'm getting a handle on my own! It feels like the light bulb is coming on and I can finally see. The more light bulbs that come on, the more I can see. It's going to take a lot of work for me to clean up the mess, but once it's done, it will be all worth while!